>been fapping for years, sometimes not even with high lust
>100 gbs of rule34 artwork and videos of different fictional characters categorized by names in folders
>Recently discover an artist with cute artstyle and a "femboy" character that gets fucked by women
>at first fap to the drawings once and then just forget it becouse there isnt enough drawings yet
>My brain still holds that character in my mind, i grow fond of it
>I start looking for similar characters and similar thropes, find tomgirls and otokonoko "straight" hentais and fap a lot (i want to be fucked like that)
>Wake up one day with that character in my mind, he doesnt leave, he is just there with a strong feeling i cant recognize, while im out i have some sort of weird ass panic attack as i realize i want to be him
>I even buy his clothes to try and see if i can be like him
>Even consider buying striped stockings but realize im still too fat for them
>Wake up and understand that im suddenly just straight up wanting to become a femboy
>I want to be one so i can "be sexy to women and be dominated/raped" and yet the desire is way more passionate than anything i have felt, im disgusted by it and at the same time i want it
>Even start fapping to hentais with prostate stimulation
>Slowly losing my mind
What the fuck is happening to me, am i just way to fucking retarded or do i secretely have been wanting to be a femboy all along? I have been tried to change my image, lower my weight even try to change my voice just becouse i fapped at a character from a russian twitter artist